Relationships are not easy and the people we love the most are actully the ones we want to change on the first place. Never happened to you? Do not you want your mother to be less boring with your messy stuff? My mother is a fanatic when it comes to cleanings and I as a messy person I would like her to be more flexible in certain aspects; “Enilson [name of house] did you already see how you left the bathroom?” – my mom screaming out with wide and expansive gestures: I’m already sweating because I think that a tsunami passed in the bathroom and when I go to see … it was just a towel out of place (Mama, if I could change something in you that would be the aspect … but the kisses we give in our mouths fix some of the most ignited and dangerous situations).
A STORM WITH SKIN
When I left my second hospitalization in the psychiatric ward of Garcia da Horta, I had a fire in the sales. How could some of my best friends did not visit me at the hospital and how come they could not even call my family to find out what I was ok? A whole theory of the Illuminati conspiracy to sprout from my (some burned, I must admit) neurons. (I had a date who said that I was his nutcase -a term that I gladly accepted – to qualify my ability to invent lunatic theories, was I already mentally ill before actually being? My best friend Gonçalo Mansinho called me bipolar because he was a different person every day, I think he was completely right. I would tell him: “I lie down one person and I do not know who I am on the next day!”
PLACING IN PERSPECTIVE
I have a Japanese coach named Go Tsunoda; our spiritual relationship and connection are inexplicable; he actually was the first man with whom I emotionally connected because in my teens and part of adulthood I did not let men approach me on a deeper level because I did not want them to think I was sexually interested in them.
I spent unforgettable moments with Go and the best part of all was our philosophical conversations. Go studied literature in Japan and settled in Europe at age 27 and is a man with a simply overwhelming emotional density. When I had the first psychotic outbreak, after a few months we were together and he said to me: “When I was told that you were crazy I thought they were all cowards just because you said you wanted to kill people!” – in this he makes an emphatic pause and in the next second he hurls towards me and shakes me like this: “If Celio Dias wants to kill Go Tsunoda, kill me!” As you can calculate I was shaken and did my best not to cry!
I learned many interesting topics with Go from my way of seeing Judo right know to how I relate with my boyfriend. On one of those lost afternoons between melancholy and the past he told me the following:
“You know Célio: life is a long process of learning and in this process there are people who stay and others who go. We must let those who depart carry our peace with them and those that are deserved our love.”
At the moment I am disconnected from my friends of judo; some friends do not know if I can get back because when I was unbalanced I hurt these people a lot … But today that I am more balanced I feel that I am able in a mature and development process to do exactly what Go taught me. Being very practical: my best friend Gonçalo Mansinho is busy with college, bi-daily training and the stress of Olympic qualification; will I judge him for these last months to be further away or will I value the moment when I completely sedated by the medication and he put cream on my feet? He is my best friend and I will have the same discernment of love from the daughter of the merchant of the novel Alchemist of Paulo Coelho that without selfishness let the shepherd go towards his destiny.
THE SOLDIERS OF LOVE
In the development of this theme I want to thank my Soldiers of Love to my mother who when I told her that I wanted to kill her, she hugged me, kissed me and said that I could not do it because the Good that leads me is brighter; the maturity of my godson who begged me not to kill myself; to my right arm – my sister Cátia – who, when I said that I wanted to kill her, disarmed me by laughing and told me that then we were going to have to fight; the melancholy of my father who tells me that he loves me; to my niece with whom I always speak when the voices are talking to me; to my nephew who keeps me in the path of light and does not let me commit any madness; and finally to my bother-in-law (husband of my sister Cátia) who embraces me when I feel lost. I also want to thank the President of the Olympic Portugurse Committee, Dr. Manuel Constantino, the President of the Portuguese Judo Federation Jorge Fernandes and the national coach Ana Hormigo who have provided my financial support since I rescinded my contract with Benfica. I want to thank the generosity of my sensei Vitor Caetano and his wife Angelina Caetano for having welcomed me with open arms and without regret in my mother club – CNS North-South Constructions. Two hearts of a chilling humanity! Thank you to all the Soldiers of Love who accompany me on this journey. I want to thank you that you are on this side and that you give me your positive energies. If you are having a good time in your life tonight do not forget to thank – more so than not because when we show gratitude our reward centers release dopamine that allows us to relax -; if you are going through a bad time puts a smile in the face and believe that your opportunity will come – It’s all in you!
If you want to write feel at ease, I want to hear your story: firstname.lastname@example.org.